TR: Hi, I'm Terry Rialto MJ:And I'm Margaret Jo McCullen BOTH: And this is the Delicious Dish on National Public Radio. MJ: So, Terry, how was your weekend? TR: Well... my husband filed for divorce, my daughter tried to overdose on Claritin, and my son told me his date to the senior prom is named Brian. Yeah, weekend-wise, I've definitely had better. MJ:: Oooh, that's a doozy! TR: Yeah, but on the upside, Margaret Jo, I found a great pornography channel on my satellite. MJ: Ooh, yeah, that's good. TR: Mmm-hmm, good times. MJ: Good times. (5 second pause) So... TR: I really enjoyed the show last week about bacon. MJ: Yeah, there are so many things you can do with bacon. TR: Like those little bacon people that we made! MJ: Yeah, and I just thought of one: Frozen bacon-sicles. TR: Wow, Margaret Jo, you're really good at this. MJ: Yeah, thanks. BOTH: Good times.           (PAUSE) TR: Our guest to day is Ms. Mary Louise, an ice cream taste- tester for Cowbell. MJ: Hey Mary Louise, welcome to the show. ML: Hi, well it's great to be on the show-- MJ: (interrupting)Speak in to the mic, like this. (Puts mouth nearly on mic) ML: (now also speaking directly into the mic) I listen to you guys every day. TR: Ooh, another fan, Margaret Jo. MJ: Yeah.           (pause) TR: So you must eat a lot of ice cream. Bet that's pretty cold. MJ: Yeah, you must get a ton of brain freezes. ML: Yep, it's great! Um, I mean yeah, I get a lot. MJ: Um? how do you prevent them? ML: PREVENT?!? Why would I want to do that?!           (pause followed by forced laughter form TR and MJ) TR: I bet you've tasted a ton of different flavors. MJ: Yeah, do you have a favorite? ML: Ummm. I would have to say that Mystik Spiral is my favorite flavor, but you know, all flavors have the same effect when eaten quickly. TR: You mean a brain freeze? ML: (hyper) Correct! Precisely! Exactly! Biiiinngoooo! MJ: Wow, Terry, you're really good at this. TR: Thanks, Margaret Jo, that's nice of you. MJ: No problemo.           (pause) MJ: So, Mary Louise. When did you first enter the exciting world of taste-testing? ML: Well, I've been tasting for a long, long time...           (intro to song comes on and MJ and TR get on top of table and start dancing while ML stands in front and sings.)            (brain freeze song: lights dim, disco ball starts. After the song, TR, MJ, and ML slowly climb down as the lights come back on and the disco ball stops) TR: Wow, we were really getting down up there. MJ: Yeah, kind of reminds me of my senior prom. ML: I didn't go to mine, I wasn't really that popular in high school.           (pause. MJ and TR look at each other like, "That's not normal") TR: (returning to the original subject) Gosh, we were so vulgar just now. MJ: Yeah, living la vida loca. TR: Ricky Martin is CUTE! ML: I'll make him take his clothes off and go dancing in the rain. TR: One of the regulars on my pornography channel already did. (jerks with chills) MJ: Really, could I get a tape of that? TR: I'll see what I can do. ML: Oooh, me too! Me too! TR: You two should subscribe, they had great movie on the other day, called "Anal Intruder." MJ: Sounds like a great movie.           (pause) MJ: So anyway, Mary Louise, you were telling us how long you'd been in the taste-testing business. ML: Yes, well I guess it's been about 8 years since my first taste-testing job. But it wasn't until about 3 years ago when I truly started to love it. Now it's my life. TR: Six years before you loved it? MJ: I think you mean 4 years, Terry. TR: No, I'm pretty sure 8 minus 3, yep that's definitely 6. ML: Ladies... MJ: No, it's gotta be 4. ML: Ladies! TR: Well, I see there's only one way to handle this. MJ: Glen!           (producer offstage throws a calculator to MJ) MJ: Thanks. TR: Yeah, thank you, Glen. Glen: Yeah, whatever. MJ: That was Glen. TR: Yes, he works in the sound booth. MJ: He's been here a very long time. (talking to Glen) Say hello to the listeners Glen. Glen: Just leave me alone, for the last time. LEAVE ME ALONE! TR: He's also very coked up. MJ: And an alcoholic. Glen: Shut up and get back to the show. TR: (cheerfully) Okay! ML: Ladies-- MJ: Push 8. ML: -- I really don't think a calculator is necessary-- TR: Nonsense! MJ: Yeah, this isn't your basic, everyday math. TR: I know it's often misleading, but Margaret Jo and I are not geniuses. MJ: Close, but not quite. ML: It's just that --- MJ: This is a toughie, but I still say 4. TR: Now push that sideways line right there (points). ML: Yeah, whatever you say. Tomato, tomato. MJ: Okay, Terry, cool that apple pie, missy. TR: I'm cool, I'm cool... now push 3. MJ: Ummm, apparently the answer is 3. ML: Uh, maybe you should push the equal sign. MJ: Yeah, I knew that. TR: What's it say? What's it say? MJ: Umm, we were both wrong, the answer is 5. TR: Man, you were so close, Margaret Jo. MJ: You were much closer than me though. ML: You were both off by one. BOTH: Really? (start counting silently on their hands) ML: (clears throat) Back to my story. MJ and TR: Oh, sorry. ML: I started off working at Toxic Belch and Co. about 8 years ago. MJ: The taco place? TR: That place gives me gas. MJ: Oh, I thought that was only me. ML: (talking louder) I just didn't enjoy it, my heart wasn't in it. But things were tight back home so I did my best to get by. Luckily, my manager realized that spict food wasn't the love of my life. So he "let me go". God, that man was a saint. He even gave me 15 minutes to clear the premises. He didn't even come right out and say that he knew about my "problem." He made up a bit about another employee seeing me sneak burritos into my pockets. But that's impossible because I only did that when no one was looking. You see he knew it would embarass me for everyone to know that I didn't like spicy food. That was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.           (pause) TR: Wow, that was really deep, Mary Louise. I'm so sorry about the tomato, tomato thing. I had no idea what you'd been through; I was way out of line! ML: It's okay, Terry, we all make mistakes. I, too, am sorry for trying to make you look stupid with the minus sign thing. TR: It's alright, it's all over and in the past, but one more crack like that and I'll be waiting for you after the show, "Little Lady"! ML: Oh, please. You want a piece of this? TR: Maybe I do.           (MJ puts head in hands on table) ML: Well bring it on, Martha Stewart wannabe! TR: How dare you! Martha Stewart is my hero! ML: Loser! TR: That's it! (charges at ML)           (choreographed fight) MJ: Please stay tuned, we'll be back after a short message from our sponsors.           (Black out)           (Action: MJ is between ML and TR) TR: I'm sorry again, I was out of line, that was uncalled for. ML: I know, me too. I'm sorry about the Martha Stewart thing. MJ: Now, uh, Mary Louise, when did you start taste testing for Cowbell? ML: Well I guess it was August, 3 years ago. TR: And everything is Hunky Dory? ML: Yeah, not to mention "Hunky Dory" is a really good flavor.           (small laughs from MJ and TR) MJ: Um, Terry, are we getting the "time up" signal? TR: Does this mean times up? (points to wrist) MJ: I don't know. Come on, Glen, speak to us in English please! We're not deaf, we don't know sign language! TR: What's this mean? (runs finger across throat) MJ: I don't know! Glen: God, you're stupid! Wrap it up! The show is over! MJ: OK, simple enough. TR: Join us next week when we make busts of famous chefs-- MJ: --out of cream cheese! TR: That'll be fun. BOTH: Good times. ML: Could you whip me up some of those frozen bacon sicles? MJ: I'll see what I can do. ML: Great! That sounds like prime brain freeze material! TR: Let's boogie!           (party lights come on and all 3 start dancing)           (black out) FIN