TR: Hi, I'm Terry Rialto
MJ:And I'm Margaret Jo McCullen
BOTH: And this is the Delicious Dish on National Public Radio.
MJ: So, Terry, how was your weekend?
TR: Well... my husband filed for divorce, my daughter tried to overdose on Claritin, and my son told me his date to the senior prom is named Brian. Yeah, weekend-wise, I've definitely had better.
MJ:: Oooh, that's a doozy!
TR: Yeah, but on the upside, Margaret Jo, I found a great pornography channel on my satellite.
MJ: Ooh, yeah, that's good.
TR: Mmm-hmm, good times.
MJ: Good times. (5 second pause) So...
TR: I really enjoyed the show last week about bacon.
MJ: Yeah, there are so many things you can do with bacon.
TR: Like those little bacon people that we made!
MJ: Yeah, and I just thought of one: Frozen bacon-sicles.
TR: Wow, Margaret Jo, you're really good at this.
MJ: Yeah, thanks.
BOTH: Good times.
TR: Our guest to day is Ms. Mary Louise, an ice cream taste- tester for Cowbell.
MJ: Hey Mary Louise, welcome to the show.
ML: Hi, well it's great to be on the show--
MJ: (interrupting)Speak in to the mic, like this. (Puts mouth nearly on mic)
ML: (now also speaking directly into the mic) I listen to you guys every day.
TR: Ooh, another fan, Margaret Jo.
TR: So you must eat a lot of ice cream. Bet that's pretty cold.
MJ: Yeah, you must get a ton of brain freezes.
ML: Yep, it's great! Um, I mean yeah, I get a lot.
MJ: Um? how do you prevent them?
ML: PREVENT?!? Why would I want to do that?!
(pause followed by forced laughter form TR and MJ)
TR: I bet you've tasted a ton of different flavors.
MJ: Yeah, do you have a favorite?
ML: Ummm. I would have to say that Mystik Spiral is my favorite flavor, but you know, all flavors have the same effect when eaten quickly.
TR: You mean a brain freeze?
ML: (hyper) Correct! Precisely! Exactly! Biiiinngoooo!
MJ: Wow, Terry, you're really good at this.
TR: Thanks, Margaret Jo, that's nice of you.
MJ: No problemo.
MJ: So, Mary Louise. When did you first enter the exciting world of taste-testing?
ML: Well, I've been tasting for a long, long time...
(intro to song comes on and MJ and TR get on top of table and start dancing while ML stands in front and sings.)
(brain freeze song: lights dim, disco ball starts. After the song, TR, MJ, and ML slowly climb down as the lights come back on and the disco ball stops)
TR: Wow, we were really getting down up there.
MJ: Yeah, kind of reminds me of my senior prom.
ML: I didn't go to mine, I wasn't really that popular in high school.
(pause. MJ and TR look at each other like, "That's not normal")
TR: (returning to the original subject) Gosh, we were so vulgar just now.
MJ: Yeah, living la vida loca.
TR: Ricky Martin is CUTE!
ML: I'll make him take his clothes off and go dancing in the rain.
TR: One of the regulars on my pornography channel already did. (jerks with chills)
MJ: Really, could I get a tape of that?
TR: I'll see what I can do.
ML: Oooh, me too! Me too!
TR: You two should subscribe, they had great movie on the other day, called "Anal Intruder."
MJ: Sounds like a great movie.
MJ: So anyway, Mary Louise, you were telling us how long you'd been in the taste-testing business.
ML: Yes, well I guess it's been about 8 years since my first taste-testing job. But it wasn't until about 3 years ago when I truly started to love it. Now it's my life.
TR: Six years before you loved it?
MJ: I think you mean 4 years, Terry.
TR: No, I'm pretty sure 8 minus 3, yep that's definitely 6.
MJ: No, it's gotta be 4.
TR: Well, I see there's only one way to handle this.
(producer offstage throws a calculator to MJ)
TR: Yeah, thank you, Glen.
Glen: Yeah, whatever.
MJ: That was Glen.
TR: Yes, he works in the sound booth.
MJ: He's been here a very long time. (talking to Glen) Say hello to the listeners Glen.
Glen: Just leave me alone, for the last time. LEAVE ME ALONE!
TR: He's also very coked up.
MJ: And an alcoholic.
Glen: Shut up and get back to the show.
TR: (cheerfully) Okay!
MJ: Push 8.
ML: -- I really don't think a calculator is necessary--
MJ: Yeah, this isn't your basic, everyday math.
TR: I know it's often misleading, but Margaret Jo and I are not geniuses.
MJ: Close, but not quite.
ML: It's just that ---
MJ: This is a toughie, but I still say 4.
TR: Now push that sideways line right there (points).
ML: Yeah, whatever you say. Tomato, tomato.
MJ: Okay, Terry, cool that apple pie, missy.
TR: I'm cool, I'm cool... now push 3.
MJ: Ummm, apparently the answer is 3.
ML: Uh, maybe you should push the equal sign.
MJ: Yeah, I knew that.
TR: What's it say? What's it say?
MJ: Umm, we were both wrong, the answer is 5.
TR: Man, you were so close, Margaret Jo.
MJ: You were much closer than me though.
ML: You were both off by one.
BOTH: Really? (start counting silently on their hands)
ML: (clears throat) Back to my story.
MJ and TR: Oh, sorry.
ML: I started off working at Toxic Belch and Co. about 8 years ago.
MJ: The taco place?
TR: That place gives me gas.
MJ: Oh, I thought that was only me.
ML: (talking louder) I just didn't enjoy it, my heart wasn't in it. But things were tight back home so I did my best to get by. Luckily, my manager realized that spict food wasn't the love of my life. So he "let me go". God, that man was a saint. He even gave me 15 minutes to clear the premises. He didn't even come right out and say that he knew about my "problem." He made up a bit about another employee seeing me sneak burritos into my pockets. But that's impossible because I only did that when no one was looking. You see he knew it would embarass me for everyone to know that I didn't like spicy food. That was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
TR: Wow, that was really deep, Mary Louise. I'm so sorry about the tomato, tomato thing. I had no idea what you'd been through; I was way out of line!
ML: It's okay, Terry, we all make mistakes. I, too, am sorry for trying to make you look stupid with the minus sign thing.
TR: It's alright, it's all over and in the past, but one more crack like that and I'll be waiting for you after the show, "Little Lady"!
ML: Oh, please. You want a piece of this?
TR: Maybe I do.
(MJ puts head in hands on table)
ML: Well bring it on, Martha Stewart wannabe!
TR: How dare you! Martha Stewart is my hero!
TR: That's it! (charges at ML)
MJ: Please stay tuned, we'll be back after a short message from our sponsors.
(Action: MJ is between ML and TR)
TR: I'm sorry again, I was out of line, that was uncalled for.
ML: I know, me too. I'm sorry about the Martha Stewart thing.
MJ: Now, uh, Mary Louise, when did you start taste testing for Cowbell?
ML: Well I guess it was August, 3 years ago.
TR: And everything is Hunky Dory?
ML: Yeah, not to mention "Hunky Dory" is a really good flavor.
(small laughs from MJ and TR)
MJ: Um, Terry, are we getting the "time up" signal?
TR: Does this mean times up? (points to wrist)
MJ: I don't know. Come on, Glen, speak to us in English please! We're not deaf, we don't know sign
TR: What's this mean? (runs finger across throat)
MJ: I don't know!
Glen: God, you're stupid! Wrap it up! The show is over!
MJ: OK, simple enough.
TR: Join us next week when we make busts of famous chefs--
MJ: --out of cream cheese!
TR: That'll be fun.
BOTH: Good times.
ML: Could you whip me up some of those frozen bacon sicles?
MJ: I'll see what I can do.
ML: Great! That sounds like prime brain freeze material!
TR: Let's boogie!
(party lights come on and all 3 start dancing)
MJ Margaret Jo McCullen
TR Terry Rialto
ML Mary Louise