The Delicious Dish       [by Erin and Evelyn]

TR: Hi, I'm Terry Rialto

MJ:And I'm Margaret Jo McCullen

BOTH: And this is the Delicious Dish on National Public Radio.

MJ: So, Terry, how was your weekend?

TR: Well... my husband filed for divorce, my daughter tried to overdose on Claritin, and my son told me his date to the senior prom is named Brian. Yeah, weekend-wise, I've definitely had better.

MJ:: Oooh, that's a doozy!

TR: Yeah, but on the upside, Margaret Jo, I found a great pornography channel on my satellite.

MJ: Ooh, yeah, that's good.

TR: Mmm-hmm, good times.

MJ: Good times. (5 second pause) So...

TR: I really enjoyed the show last week about bacon.

MJ: Yeah, there are so many things you can do with bacon.

TR: Like those little bacon people that we made!

MJ: Yeah, and I just thought of one: Frozen bacon-sicles.

TR: Wow, Margaret Jo, you're really good at this.

MJ: Yeah, thanks.

BOTH: Good times.


TR: Our guest to day is Ms. Mary Louise, an ice cream taste- tester for Cowbell.

MJ: Hey Mary Louise, welcome to the show.

ML: Hi, well it's great to be on the show--

MJ: (interrupting)Speak in to the mic, like this. (Puts mouth nearly on mic)

ML: (now also speaking directly into the mic) I listen to you guys every day.

TR: Ooh, another fan, Margaret Jo.

MJ: Yeah.


TR: So you must eat a lot of ice cream. Bet that's pretty cold.

MJ: Yeah, you must get a ton of brain freezes.

ML: Yep, it's great! Um, I mean yeah, I get a lot.

MJ: Um? how do you prevent them?

ML: PREVENT?!? Why would I want to do that?!

          (pause followed by forced laughter form TR and MJ)

TR: I bet you've tasted a ton of different flavors.

MJ: Yeah, do you have a favorite?

ML: Ummm. I would have to say that Mystik Spiral is my favorite flavor, but you know, all flavors have the same effect when eaten quickly.

TR: You mean a brain freeze?

ML: (hyper) Correct! Precisely! Exactly! Biiiinngoooo!

MJ: Wow, Terry, you're really good at this.

TR: Thanks, Margaret Jo, that's nice of you.

MJ: No problemo.


MJ: So, Mary Louise. When did you first enter the exciting world of taste-testing?

ML: Well, I've been tasting for a long, long time...

          (intro to song comes on and MJ and TR get on top of table and start dancing while ML stands in front and sings.)

           (brain freeze song: lights dim, disco ball starts. After the song, TR, MJ, and ML slowly climb down as the lights come back on and the disco ball stops)

TR: Wow, we were really getting down up there.

MJ: Yeah, kind of reminds me of my senior prom.

ML: I didn't go to mine, I wasn't really that popular in high school.

          (pause. MJ and TR look at each other like, "That's not normal")

TR: (returning to the original subject) Gosh, we were so vulgar just now.

MJ: Yeah, living la vida loca.

TR: Ricky Martin is CUTE!

ML: I'll make him take his clothes off and go dancing in the rain.

TR: One of the regulars on my pornography channel already did. (jerks with chills)

MJ: Really, could I get a tape of that?

TR: I'll see what I can do.

ML: Oooh, me too! Me too!

TR: You two should subscribe, they had great movie on the other day, called "Anal Intruder."

MJ: Sounds like a great movie.


MJ: So anyway, Mary Louise, you were telling us how long you'd been in the taste-testing business.

ML: Yes, well I guess it's been about 8 years since my first taste-testing job. But it wasn't until about 3 years ago when I truly started to love it. Now it's my life.

TR: Six years before you loved it?

MJ: I think you mean 4 years, Terry.

TR: No, I'm pretty sure 8 minus 3, yep that's definitely 6.

ML: Ladies...

MJ: No, it's gotta be 4.

ML: Ladies!

TR: Well, I see there's only one way to handle this.

MJ: Glen!

          (producer offstage throws a calculator to MJ)

MJ: Thanks.

TR: Yeah, thank you, Glen.

Glen: Yeah, whatever.

MJ: That was Glen.

TR: Yes, he works in the sound booth.

MJ: He's been here a very long time. (talking to Glen) Say hello to the listeners Glen.

Glen: Just leave me alone, for the last time. LEAVE ME ALONE!

TR: He's also very coked up.

MJ: And an alcoholic.

Glen: Shut up and get back to the show.

TR: (cheerfully) Okay!

ML: Ladies--

MJ: Push 8.

ML: -- I really don't think a calculator is necessary--

TR: Nonsense!

MJ: Yeah, this isn't your basic, everyday math.

TR: I know it's often misleading, but Margaret Jo and I are not geniuses.

MJ: Close, but not quite.

ML: It's just that ---

MJ: This is a toughie, but I still say 4.

TR: Now push that sideways line right there (points).

ML: Yeah, whatever you say. Tomato, tomato.

MJ: Okay, Terry, cool that apple pie, missy.

TR: I'm cool, I'm cool... now push 3.

MJ: Ummm, apparently the answer is 3.

ML: Uh, maybe you should push the equal sign.

MJ: Yeah, I knew that.

TR: What's it say? What's it say?

MJ: Umm, we were both wrong, the answer is 5.

TR: Man, you were so close, Margaret Jo.

MJ: You were much closer than me though.

ML: You were both off by one.

BOTH: Really? (start counting silently on their hands)

ML: (clears throat) Back to my story.

MJ and TR: Oh, sorry.

ML: I started off working at Toxic Belch and Co. about 8 years ago.

MJ: The taco place?

TR: That place gives me gas.

MJ: Oh, I thought that was only me.

ML: (talking louder) I just didn't enjoy it, my heart wasn't in it. But things were tight back home so I did my best to get by. Luckily, my manager realized that spict food wasn't the love of my life. So he "let me go". God, that man was a saint. He even gave me 15 minutes to clear the premises. He didn't even come right out and say that he knew about my "problem." He made up a bit about another employee seeing me sneak burritos into my pockets. But that's impossible because I only did that when no one was looking. You see he knew it would embarass me for everyone to know that I didn't like spicy food. That was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.


TR: Wow, that was really deep, Mary Louise. I'm so sorry about the tomato, tomato thing. I had no idea what you'd been through; I was way out of line!

ML: It's okay, Terry, we all make mistakes. I, too, am sorry for trying to make you look stupid with the minus sign thing.

TR: It's alright, it's all over and in the past, but one more crack like that and I'll be waiting for you after the show, "Little Lady"!

ML: Oh, please. You want a piece of this?

TR: Maybe I do.

          (MJ puts head in hands on table)

ML: Well bring it on, Martha Stewart wannabe!

TR: How dare you! Martha Stewart is my hero!

ML: Loser!

TR: That's it! (charges at ML)

          (choreographed fight)

MJ: Please stay tuned, we'll be back after a short message from our sponsors.

          (Black out)

          (Action: MJ is between ML and TR)

TR: I'm sorry again, I was out of line, that was uncalled for.

ML: I know, me too. I'm sorry about the Martha Stewart thing.

MJ: Now, uh, Mary Louise, when did you start taste testing for Cowbell?

ML: Well I guess it was August, 3 years ago.

TR: And everything is Hunky Dory?

ML: Yeah, not to mention "Hunky Dory" is a really good flavor.

          (small laughs from MJ and TR)

MJ: Um, Terry, are we getting the "time up" signal?

TR: Does this mean times up? (points to wrist)

MJ: I don't know. Come on, Glen, speak to us in English please! We're not deaf, we don't know sign language!

TR: What's this mean? (runs finger across throat)

MJ: I don't know!

Glen: God, you're stupid! Wrap it up! The show is over!

MJ: OK, simple enough.

TR: Join us next week when we make busts of famous chefs--

MJ: --out of cream cheese!

TR: That'll be fun.

BOTH: Good times.

ML: Could you whip me up some of those frozen bacon sicles?

MJ: I'll see what I can do.

ML: Great! That sounds like prime brain freeze material!

TR: Let's boogie!

          (party lights come on and all 3 start dancing)

          (black out)




MJ Margaret Jo McCullen

TR Terry Rialto

ML Mary Louise