Opening Sequence Alex Trebek : Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again: please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record with negative $230,000. Sean Connery : You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Trebek, what with your Dago moustache and your greasy hair. Alex : Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? ... From Third Rock from the Sun , French Stewart in second place with negative $17,000. French Stewart : I'm a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy I'm gonna bloom. Alex : Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commanding lead with $14. Burt Reynolds : Hey, uh, check out the podium. (gestures downward) Look at this. Alex : Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson. Burt : Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name. Alex : Great. Let's take a look at the final board. The categories are: Potent Potables, Sharp Things, Movies that Start with the Word Jaws, A Petit DeJeuner - that category is about French phrases, so let's just skip it--- Burt : Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You're an assbite, pardon my French. (laughs) French : My name's French! Burt : Yeah, well who gives a damn? Alex : Moving on. ... Animal Sounds, Condiments, and finally Your Ass or a Hole in the Ground . Mr. Reynolds, unfortunately you're in the lead, so let's start with you. Burt : Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for 8000. Alex : That's Condiments . For 400. This condiment is made from mustard seeds. (French buzzes in) Alex : French Stewart? French : The answer of course is onions. I'll take condiments for 800, please. Alex : That's not the right answer. (Burt buzzes in) Alex : Burt Reynolds? Burt : That's not my name. (Alex sighs, exasperated) Alex : Okay, Turd Ferguson. Burt : Heh, heh. What do you want? Alex : You buzzed in. Burt : No I didn't. Alex : Yes you did. Burt : Yeah, well that's your opinion. Alex : I hate my job. The answer was: mustard. Mustard is made from mustard seeds. Mr. Reynolds, it's still your board. Burt : Yeah, well, uh, why don't you give me, uh, why don't you give me Ape Tit for 200. (Transcriber note: this is the part where I spilled my drink all over myself.) Alex : It's not ape tit. It's A petite - nevermind, let's just go to Animal Sounds for 600. ... This is the sound a doggy makes. (Sean buzzes in) Alex : Mr. Connery? Sean : Moo. Alex : No. Sean : Well that's the sound your mother made last night. Alex : Okay, that's not necessary. (Burt buzzes in) Alex : Burt Reynolds? Burt : Who is, um, Scooby Doo? Alex : No. Burt : That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and solved mysteries. Alex : That's incorrect. Burt : Nah, that's correct. I remember, he had a pal, uh, Scrappy Doo. Alex : No. (French buzzes in) Alex : French Stewart? The sound a dog makes? French : Um, who is John Caffey and the Beaver Brown Band, thank you very much, I'll take animal sounds for 800. Alex : (exasperated) No! Good Lord! ... We would have accepted "bow wow" or "ruff." Sean : Oh, rough. Just how your mother likes it, Trebek. Alex : Come on, that is way out of line-- (Burt appears at Alex's podium, laughing, with a big floppy styrofoam cowboy hat on) Alex : Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing? Burt : Yeah, I found this backstage. Oversized hat. Funny. Seriously, it's funny 'cause it's bigger than a normal hat, see? Alex : Yeah, I see that. Get back to your podium. Burt : (laughing) Take a look at that. Alex : Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. It's not funny. (Burt walks back to his podium) Alex : (to no one in particular) What's going on? ... Okay, let's move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is: (tears up card) you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number. Any number and you win. (Music plays, contestants begin to write) Alex : We'll accept any number, any number at all. A one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It's that simple. I know you can do this. (Music ends) Alex : Let's start with French Stewart, who is grinning like an idiot. Look pretty sure of yourself. Think you've got the right answer? French : Yes, I'm pretty sure of it, Alex. Alex : Well all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote... "threeve." A combination of three and five. Simply stunning. And you wagered... Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless. French : No I did not get the answers from someone else, it all came from Mr. Stewart's noggin up here. (taps head) Alex : That's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds? Burt : Don't bother, I didn't write anything. Alex : Good work. Finally, Mr. Connery. The category was numbers. And you wrote... the letter "V." Well, my friend, V is a Roman numeral. So despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered.... Suck it Trebek. (Sean breaks into fits of laughter) Alex : Well that's all the time we have. Good night-- (Burt puts the cowboy hat on Alex's head) Alex : (aggressively) Get it offa me! (Closing Sequence)