Celebrity Jeopardy       [10.23.1999,  Norm MacDonald]

Opening Sequence

Alex Trebek : Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again: please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record with negative $230,000.

Sean Connery : You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Trebek, what with your Dago moustache and your greasy hair.

Alex : Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? ... From Third Rock from the Sun , French Stewart in second place with negative $17,000.

French Stewart : I'm a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy I'm gonna bloom.

Alex : Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commanding lead with $14.

Burt Reynolds : Hey, uh, check out the podium. (gestures downward) Look at this.

Alex : Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.

Burt : Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name.

Alex : Great. Let's take a look at the final board. The categories are: Potent Potables, Sharp Things, Movies that Start with the Word Jaws, A Petit DeJeuner - that category is about French phrases, so let's just skip it---

Burt : Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You're an assbite, pardon my French. (laughs)

French : My name's French!

Burt : Yeah, well who gives a damn?

Alex : Moving on. ... Animal Sounds, Condiments, and finally Your Ass or a Hole in the Ground . Mr. Reynolds, unfortunately you're in the lead, so let's start with you.

Burt : Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for 8000.

Alex : That's Condiments . For 400. This condiment is made from mustard seeds.

(French buzzes in)

Alex : French Stewart?

French : The answer of course is onions. I'll take condiments for 800, please.

Alex : That's not the right answer.

(Burt buzzes in)

Alex : Burt Reynolds?

Burt : That's not my name.

(Alex sighs, exasperated)

Alex : Okay, Turd Ferguson.

Burt : Heh, heh. What do you want?

Alex : You buzzed in.

Burt : No I didn't.

Alex : Yes you did.

Burt : Yeah, well that's your opinion.

Alex : I hate my job. The answer was: mustard. Mustard is made from mustard seeds. Mr. Reynolds, it's still your board.

Burt : Yeah, well, uh, why don't you give me, uh, why don't you give me Ape Tit for 200. (Transcriber note: this is the part where I spilled my drink all over myself.)

Alex : It's not ape tit. It's A petite - nevermind, let's just go to Animal Sounds for 600. ... This is the sound a doggy makes.

(Sean buzzes in)

Alex : Mr. Connery?

Sean : Moo.

Alex : No.

Sean : Well that's the sound your mother made last night.

Alex : Okay, that's not necessary.

(Burt buzzes in)

Alex : Burt Reynolds?

Burt : Who is, um, Scooby Doo?

Alex : No.

Burt : That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and solved mysteries.

Alex : That's incorrect.

Burt : Nah, that's correct. I remember, he had a pal, uh, Scrappy Doo.

Alex : No.

(French buzzes in)

Alex : French Stewart? The sound a dog makes?

French : Um, who is John Caffey and the Beaver Brown Band, thank you very much, I'll take animal sounds for 800.

Alex : (exasperated) No! Good Lord! ... We would have accepted "bow wow" or "ruff."

Sean : Oh, rough. Just how your mother likes it, Trebek.

Alex : Come on, that is way out of line--

(Burt appears at Alex's podium, laughing, with a big floppy styrofoam cowboy hat on)

Alex : Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?

Burt : Yeah, I found this backstage. Oversized hat. Funny. Seriously, it's funny 'cause it's bigger than a normal hat, see?

Alex : Yeah, I see that. Get back to your podium.

Burt : (laughing) Take a look at that.

Alex : Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. It's not funny.

(Burt walks back to his podium)

Alex : (to no one in particular) What's going on? ... Okay, let's move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is: (tears up card) you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number. Any number and you win.

(Music plays, contestants begin to write)

Alex : We'll accept any number, any number at all. A one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It's that simple. I know you can do this.
(Music ends)

Alex : Let's start with French Stewart, who is grinning like an idiot. Look pretty sure of yourself. Think you've got the right answer?

French : Yes, I'm pretty sure of it, Alex.

Alex : Well all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote... "threeve." A combination of three and five. Simply stunning. And you wagered... Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless.

French : No I did not get the answers from someone else, it all came from Mr. Stewart's noggin up here. (taps head)

Alex : That's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds?

Burt : Don't bother, I didn't write anything.

Alex : Good work. Finally, Mr. Connery. The category was numbers. And you wrote... the letter "V." Well, my friend, V is a Roman numeral. So despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered.... Suck it Trebek.

(Sean breaks into fits of laughter)

Alex : Well that's all the time we have. Good night--

(Burt puts the cowboy hat on Alex's head)

Alex : (aggressively) Get it offa me!

(Closing Sequence)



Alex- Will Ferrel

Sean- Darrell Hammond

Burt- Norm MacDonald

French Jimmy Fallon